"Do you know how to be held or do you only know how to exist in the world as an unheld thing? [...] Is it that you are fragile? Or is it that you like to break things—yourself—because you tell your heart stories about how good things were never meant for you, and what’s the difference?"
Right to the heart of the matter. Taking away some deep thoughts from this one. x
Thank you, Jan. I think this was the part that hit me the hardest too. I'm glad to hear that it resonated with you and I hope it brought you to a place you needed to go.
This part got me, and the answers came to me immediately.
When someone holds their open palms out to you do you fill them with your own?
- Yes, but...
Or do you leave them empty because it’s in the emptiness where you’ve grown to feel safe?
- I don't leave them empty, my partner deserves his to be filled with my own.
Do you touch them because they are there or because you want to? Do you know the difference?
- Much of the time, because they are there. I do know the difference.
Have you ever held out your own open hands? Or are you the first to pull away? To close them up and say, love is a dangerous thing.
- Yes, but I am the first to pull away. Why do I do that when I simultaneously feel so secure?
Do you let the warmth of what’s inside spill from between your fingers or do you still believe that giving yourself away is a loss?
- Giving myself away feels like a loss. I want to spill what's inside, I recognize that want in my mind, but the action doesn't come. A paralysis of sorts.
I've written in your truth or dare entry (I think - I've shared this somewhere) that I shy away from love. Sometimes feel smothered. My partner knows when I need space, but that very space makes me in turn want the love. I can't figure it out. Have I been burned too many times in the past? Am I scarred from the first & biggest love I've had 15 years ago in high school? How? When I am positively sure that I am loved beyond measure. Secure, safe, wanted, accepted. For more than a decade now. How do you crack yourself open? How do you accept and return love with an caged heart? How does a heart become uncaged? I believe that guilt is a pointless feeling, it does no good for one's self or those around them, but I won't deny that this all makes my guilt inside ever-present. I hope to one day look back from the other side of this place of guilt and smile at the naïvety I had and the growth I went through to get to that "other side."
-
I tend to always comment / share my thoughts that are all about myself. I hope it doesn't seem one-sided. I keep coming back here because it is my safe space for introspection. Like a prompted journal entry (most of my comments here also land in my actual journal). But I would just like to reiterate that I relate deeply to much of what you share, and I'm forever grateful for your authenticity as well as this place I can come to share my unfiltered thoughts. This is a beautiful entry, and I can't wait to read about your main character. Thank you for sharing, as always.
I love this all so much. Thank you for sharing. I love that you took the time to think about each of these questions and answer them for yourself. It's amazing to give ourselves the time to really think about our heart. I am too the first to pull away. Not with my son, but everyone else and I assume it comes back to protection—protecting one own's heart. I resonate with so much of what you've said. Our past informs our present and so I can imagine you can trace it back to that first love. I wish I knew the answer to how to uncage a heart. For me, it's that I feel like I can never truly count on anyone and so that leaves me guarded. I don't think I'll ever get to a place where love feels safe in all its parts. I don't have guilt attached to it, but I can see how hard that would be. I hope you're looking back from the other side one day. I think you will.
It definitely doesn't seem one sided. You're opening up a greater discussion when you respond and I am so grateful for that. One of my goals of this newsletter is to have a safe space to share the hard parts of ourselves, the parts we are working on and through. I'm so glad you're using this space for what I hoped it would be used for. Thank you, Tyler. You are a gift.
I love reading your comments here, Tyler. They feel like an extension of the conversational space created here. Jessy's essays trigger so much introspection for me too, and I really appreciate that about what she chooses to publish.
Aww thank you both. I appreciate you saying this, Jan. I love receiving comments here because it reminds me that people are actually reading these pieces haha. It's so hard sometimes when you publish something to not feel like it just ends up in a black hole.
"Do you know how to be held or do you only know how to exist in the world as an unheld thing? [...] Is it that you are fragile? Or is it that you like to break things—yourself—because you tell your heart stories about how good things were never meant for you, and what’s the difference?"
Right to the heart of the matter. Taking away some deep thoughts from this one. x
Thank you, Jan. I think this was the part that hit me the hardest too. I'm glad to hear that it resonated with you and I hope it brought you to a place you needed to go.
This part got me, and the answers came to me immediately.
When someone holds their open palms out to you do you fill them with your own?
- Yes, but...
Or do you leave them empty because it’s in the emptiness where you’ve grown to feel safe?
- I don't leave them empty, my partner deserves his to be filled with my own.
Do you touch them because they are there or because you want to? Do you know the difference?
- Much of the time, because they are there. I do know the difference.
Have you ever held out your own open hands? Or are you the first to pull away? To close them up and say, love is a dangerous thing.
- Yes, but I am the first to pull away. Why do I do that when I simultaneously feel so secure?
Do you let the warmth of what’s inside spill from between your fingers or do you still believe that giving yourself away is a loss?
- Giving myself away feels like a loss. I want to spill what's inside, I recognize that want in my mind, but the action doesn't come. A paralysis of sorts.
I've written in your truth or dare entry (I think - I've shared this somewhere) that I shy away from love. Sometimes feel smothered. My partner knows when I need space, but that very space makes me in turn want the love. I can't figure it out. Have I been burned too many times in the past? Am I scarred from the first & biggest love I've had 15 years ago in high school? How? When I am positively sure that I am loved beyond measure. Secure, safe, wanted, accepted. For more than a decade now. How do you crack yourself open? How do you accept and return love with an caged heart? How does a heart become uncaged? I believe that guilt is a pointless feeling, it does no good for one's self or those around them, but I won't deny that this all makes my guilt inside ever-present. I hope to one day look back from the other side of this place of guilt and smile at the naïvety I had and the growth I went through to get to that "other side."
-
I tend to always comment / share my thoughts that are all about myself. I hope it doesn't seem one-sided. I keep coming back here because it is my safe space for introspection. Like a prompted journal entry (most of my comments here also land in my actual journal). But I would just like to reiterate that I relate deeply to much of what you share, and I'm forever grateful for your authenticity as well as this place I can come to share my unfiltered thoughts. This is a beautiful entry, and I can't wait to read about your main character. Thank you for sharing, as always.
I love this all so much. Thank you for sharing. I love that you took the time to think about each of these questions and answer them for yourself. It's amazing to give ourselves the time to really think about our heart. I am too the first to pull away. Not with my son, but everyone else and I assume it comes back to protection—protecting one own's heart. I resonate with so much of what you've said. Our past informs our present and so I can imagine you can trace it back to that first love. I wish I knew the answer to how to uncage a heart. For me, it's that I feel like I can never truly count on anyone and so that leaves me guarded. I don't think I'll ever get to a place where love feels safe in all its parts. I don't have guilt attached to it, but I can see how hard that would be. I hope you're looking back from the other side one day. I think you will.
It definitely doesn't seem one sided. You're opening up a greater discussion when you respond and I am so grateful for that. One of my goals of this newsletter is to have a safe space to share the hard parts of ourselves, the parts we are working on and through. I'm so glad you're using this space for what I hoped it would be used for. Thank you, Tyler. You are a gift.
I love reading your comments here, Tyler. They feel like an extension of the conversational space created here. Jessy's essays trigger so much introspection for me too, and I really appreciate that about what she chooses to publish.
Aww thank you both. I appreciate you saying this, Jan. I love receiving comments here because it reminds me that people are actually reading these pieces haha. It's so hard sometimes when you publish something to not feel like it just ends up in a black hole.
Yes. I do. https://michaelmohr.substack.com/p/love
Thank you for sharing, Michael.