This is my first Ask Me Anything (AMA) here on Substack, and I’d love to answer your questions. You can ask me anything about new motherhood, writing a memoir, what it was like growing up in a meth lab, the chaos that comes with loving an addict, relationship questions about how to not kill your spouse when you’ve been together for 10+ years, querying literary agents, recovery from birth trauma, travel questions like how I lived “on the road” for almost five years, why I walked away from the music industry, and all the things that are uncomfortable to talk about when it comes to love, writing, identity, and trying to live a meaningful life.
My answers may not always be eloquent, but they will always be true and raw and pulled from the deepest place of myself. Like James Baldwin, Flannery O’Connor, and Joan Didion, I write to find out what I feel, what I think, what I know, and what I don’t. So, ask away. Nothing is off-limits.
Hiya, I’m back with a question on a completely different topic. I believe I already know the answer to this in my heart, but I think it’s worth getting another’s perspective and hearing it “out loud,” if you will. As an aspiring writer, where the hell do you start?
I have all of these notes in my phone, all of these journals, all of these "books on life and writing." It all feels chaotic. I don't feel like I have the time, but who does? Inspiration comes and goes, like I imagine (and know) it does for everyone. I could go on.
Would love to hear all of your struggles and successes, however far you'd like to expound upon them.
It seems to me like starting is the hardest part, but maybe not. I think it's all hard, and that's the point?
Hey there! I love your writing and your rings ( I am wearing one of your engagement rings and will never stop admiring it's beauty!). There are a million things I'd love to ask but my first question is when you first got into making jewelry, what were the first tools you acquired? I have ALWAYS wanted to get into casting metals and making rings especially but have no idea where to start. I don't have a lot of money to spare so do you recommend a place to start? Thank you in advance for any advice you're willing to share!
That's amazing! Thank you so much for supporting my writing and my Rhodes business. I'm so glad to hear that you love your ring. I wish I could answer your questions, but it's my husband Perry who does the actual carving of the rings. I handle all the communication with the couples and the design process, and then take the idea to him to sketch and carve. I can tell you that Perry is self-taught and learned a lot from just his own research and study online. He's a natural artist so it came really easily for him. There is nothing he can't create. It blows me away everyday. In terms of casting metals, I can tell you that we work in the lost wax process so he begins by carving the piece into wax, getting the texture just right, and then he has it casted in whatever metal the client chooses. We had close to no money when we started the business. Perry bought some wax, wax working tools, and got started. I'd watch some videos on the lost wax process, wax carving, and google wax working tools. You can get them pretty affordably to start. This website is a pretty great resource for buying tools: https://www.riogrande.com/
Once you have a piece carved that you're happy with then you can google jewelry casters in your area. At the time, we lived in Los Angeles so we would go to the jewelry district directly and work with casters there. We no longer work with them, but it was a great place for us when we first starting out. Let me know if you have anymore questions. I hope this was helpful to you!
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day and kiddo to answer!!! It's nice to hear that you guys started with nothing and were able to create such magic! Very inspiring! I never thought about having someone else cast the metal! That takes a lot of the cost of buying all the casting tools out of the equation. Of course you have to pay for the casting but it is not as big of an iinitial nvestment!! Thank you!!!
Oh! And when we first started we only casted in silver because it's much cheaper than working in gold, but now we hardly ever work in silver. It's a great and affordable place to start though! Good luck, love.
As you know, I’m a huge fan of you, the person. You’ve shared quite a bit about your life and I want you to know that I’m in awe of your strength, courage and perseverance. You may not always see that in you, but you’re beyond amazing. My ask of you, is to take a few moments each day to focus on you. I know how hard it is with a baby, but it’s so important that you nourish yourself. In your moments, remind yourself that you are a badass with a huge heart. Also, remind yourself that while you’re struggling that you’re there and present with Perry and the baby. That part is huge.
Of course, I’d love to read more of your story. My hope is that someday in the near future that your book will come out. But until then, I’m patient and grateful for these weekly posts.
Aww Roy, thank you for this. It's hard to see the good in yourself, y'know? I appreciate you pointing out the good parts. I feel like every time I sit down to write or read, I'm focusing on me in some way because it's such a vital process to my living. I wish I had more time to do both, but I make the time where I can. It's a lot to do these weekly posts but it's important to me to stay consistent for my subscribers and having people who are waiting on something from me keeps me from putting writing on the backburner. I do wish I could start a larger piece of work, like get back to my book or start a new one, but I can't seem to balance motherhood, substack, and writing a book. Maybe someday when i can find a reliable nanny haha. Unfortunately, I don't see my memoir ever getting published, but that's going to have to be okay. I will just have to start something else. Thank you for following my journey and for supporting me along the way. It truly means the world to me and helps me to keep going when times are hard. xo
In what way(s) has your relationship with Perry changed since the beginning of your pregnancy, throughout the duration of it, and after your sweet babe was born? In terms of connection, sex, interests, "free" time, individuality, working together on raising your baby, anything.
Did you always know you wanted a child? I am at a point where I am 30 and I feel so indifferent, yet scared of either decision. Do I want to put a halt to my carefree and spontaneous life with my husband if we have one? Will I regret not having a little best friend once it's too late? I feel like I would go with either decision if my husband were absolutely sure of one or the other, but the indifference lies within both of us. My parents got a divorce because they had kids - mom wanted them (but admittedly felt pressured into the decision), and dad didn't. It put a mountain in between them, so I will never pressure my husband to lean one way or the other.
You mentioned living on the road, which is, of course, a money question. I have followed your story for years and years now, so I have a good idea of how you got to where you are, but what about now? Did you save enough to be a full time mom (if you are)? To be frank, what are your income sources now that allow you to live a seemingly "free" life?
I hope you can excuse any of these questions seeming assumptive as I only know what I see and read through a screen. In any case, you've always been an inspiration x
Thank you for following my story for so many years. It's been quite the trip. In terms of income, I used to do social media marketing for freelance clients and that brought in the bulk of my funds. And then we had the Rhodes business of making engagement rings, but that business was more of a side business because I had so many clients with social media and the Rhodes business was Perry's only form of income. While we lived on the road we actually saved a lot of money because we lived very cheaply. We saved enough for a modest down payment on our house in the mountains and that's where we've called home for the last five years.
Right before I found out I was pregnant I quit all the social media clients so that I'd have more time to grow the Rhodes business while also focusing on my writing. I fully believed that my writing would start bringing in enough money to help us earn a living. I believed that my book would sell and I could spend more time writing because it was actually bringing in money. But that really hasn't been the case. I still spend A LOT of time writing because I need it and this community is important to me. Our income is almost 100% coming from the Rhodes business now which has grown by over 200% since I quit doing social media. It's amazing how things can grow once you dedicate your attention there. I wish I could say the same about my writing career haha.
We still don't make the amount of money to live the life I'd like to give Pressley, but I am grateful that we're able to make our own schedule for the most part. I spend most of the day with Pressley with only a few hours here and there for the business. Perry spends a lot more time in the business because he has to carve the rings in the workshop. I handle the emails and sales and social media which can be mostly done on my phone so I have a lot more freedom when and where I can do the work. The business is not stable in the sense that we never really know how much money we're going to bring in. We never know how many sales we're going to make, and sometimes we have a slow month that make me a bit nervous, but overall we're making it work. It's bringing us what we need and we're grateful.
Once we found out I was pregnant we hustled really hard to increase our savings. We worked around the clock which was really hard to do while pregnant but it gave me the peace of mind that if something were to happen we’d have some money to fall back on. We saved about 6 months worth of extra funds meaning that we could live bare bones for six months (paying our mortgage, bills, groceries, gas, etc.) without working if we had to. We took about six weeks off when the baby was born and then have been back at it ever since. It's a lot to run a business, raise a child, and try to have successful writing career, but that's where we are in our life so we're just going to keep moving forward.
I think the life looks "free" because we work from home haha. It does make a huge difference to be able to make your own hours. So we can take walks together in the middle of the day or take a whole week off to go somewhere, but I am always working. If we go on "vacation" I am still responding to emails, doing posts on Instagram, updating the website, etc. I am always "on" ya know what I mean? I have to make sure we hit a certain quota every month if we want to sustain our lifestyle and actually pay our bills (And we're still paying off hospital bills!). For Perry, he can't carve when we're gone, which then leads to him having to do marathon carving days. It's pretty brutal but it's worth the time off for him.
We don't spend a lot of money in general though. We rarely buy things for ourselves and I am someone who doesn't like "things" so it's easy to save money. Like we don’t own a tv, our appliances are old as hell, and all of our furniture is thrifted or made. Now that we have Pressley I have to hold back on getting him everything I think he'd like, but I'm learning to find the balance. We usually only eat out once or twice a week, we don't drink very often, and we do a lot of stuff outside in nature that doesn't cost anything. It’s just how like we like to live. I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything.
I do wish we made more money but mostly because I want the peace of mind for my son. I want to give him opportunities I never had and I want to travel with him. I miss traveling so much, but with a baby we can’t really rough it like we used to, so that requires a lot more money and a lot more thought. I think we will get there one day. It’s just about prioritizing the right things in the moment and I think we’re doing that.
I can dive deeper into different parts of our life from a financial standpoint, just let me know if you have anymore questions.
Thank you so much for such in-depth questions! The first one brought a greater story to mind. I wrote a piece in response and I will be sharing part 1 this week. I'll add the link here once it goes live. Thank you for asking questions that fueled my creative process.
I believe an essay of sorts lives in the second question as well, but I can give you some answers here. No, I didn't know that I wanted a child. In fact, I actively did NOT want a child. Early on in my relationship with Perry I told him that if he wanted children then we might as well break up because it would never happen with me. But then eight years later my brother had a daughter and I fell in love with her. I watched her grow and learn and become her own little person and it set my heart in a new direction. I wanted a tiny human to watch grow, to love and to care for. I sat with this new want in my heart for about a year and thought deeply about it before telling Perry I'd changed my mind. When I finally told him, he said, "I knew you would." I was 34 when I got pregnant, 35 when I had the baby, and now I'm 36. Time moves fast, and now that I have my son, I can tell you that I wish I'd done it earlier. I wish I started when I was 30. I'm already 36 and am questioning if I want another, but can't imagine doing it now, but I can't imagine waiting much longer either. I don't want to be 40 and pregnant, but I also don't want to rush another when I'm still learning how to be a mother to Pressley. I feel like if I started earlier I wouldn't feel so rushed now, but it's hard to know.
You will most definitely have to put your "carefree" life on hold, but there are still ways to bring in spontaneity. I don't believe in rigid routines with my child. We have a flow and a rhythm to our days that still allows for freedom to enjoy spontaneous action. Having a child has brought life back to my life, if that makes sense. The world has opened up in new and old ways and it is filled with joy and wonder because I'm seeing it all through his eyes.
Now that I have a kid, I know that I would've regretted it if I hadn't done it. But it's such a personal decision. And if you decide to do it, it will be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Motherhood is draining and exhausting and requires a massive amount of sacrifice, but the rewards outweigh everything for me. Knowing everything I know now, I would do it all again.
I will say that if I had to do it alone, though, I most definitely wouldn't do it. It's imperative to have a hands-on partner who can help carry the load. Perry is an excellent father and having that help and dedication makes all the difference so I'd make sure you and your husband are on the same page before committing.
I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I can totally understand that. Perry and I both wanted a kid and the months of my pregnancy were still incredibly challenging, and it drove a gap between us. I go into detail about this in the piece that I'm sending out this week in response to your first question. I think you're on the right track though, to not pressure your husband, to make sure that you both want this before you do it.
There's really know way to just 100% know, ya know? Even though I was inspired by the love I had for my brother's daughter, it was still hard to make the call, to actually take the plunge into motherhood. It was terrifying and I had so many doubts and even regrets when I first pregnant because I was so scared. But it turns out that it was what I needed.
I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope you find something here that speaks to you. If you have follow-up questions, please feel free to comment.
What *was* it like growing up in a meth lab? What was the emotional experience like? Do you remember having confusion about the environment? How did you spend your free time? I guess I'm curious because growing up my dad was alcoholic & emotionally abusive/neglectful, but I never really realized it was "wrong" (super simplified & subjective, I know; bear with me) of him to be treating me/our life that way until I was in my mid 20's. I remember having this fake, idealized version of it all that I lived in within the confines of my mind. I'm curious if your experience was similar, or very different? Also, you've said before that writing saved your life. May I ask what else (if anything) you feel was integral to your version of healing?
It sounds we had a very similar ways of coping with our situation. We created idealized versions of our fathers and our lives in order to protect ourselves and our relationships. I am so sorry your dad was abusive. It’s one thing to suffer neglect at the hands of an addict but another thing to suffer abuse. I personally cannot speak on that and I imagine a lot more coping has to be done and then as you got older, a lot more healing. Where are you now with everything? Do you have a relationship with your dad?
Let me know if you feel like I answered your question enough. I’m happy to dive in more with you. Just let me know.
I didn’t address your second question in this piece as I feel like it deserves another deep dive. So stay tuned. 🧡
Thank you for being here. Are you on IG? What’s your handle?
Aww, Jessy this piece moved me to tears! 🖤 So well written, and deeply introspective & filled with wisdom and nuggets of hope; as always. Thank you so much for sharing this part of you with us. You answered that part perfectly, and I look forward to eventually hearing about the rest as well!
Things have significantly improved in the last handful of years for me. I don't have a relationship with my dad anymore, and though it pains me to say it I really do think that's for the best. Lots of therapy, a genuinely caring and safe partner, and finding myself in writing and painting was such good medicine for my soul.
It's my divine pleasure to be here! I am on IG, @madd.maggs 🖤
Thank you for reading, love. I am so glad to hear that things have improved for you. The healing is a long road. I'm sorry to hear about your father, but I totally understand. Sometimes loving from a distance is the only way. I'm working on a novel that has that message at the center, but oof, it's a labor of love.
Therapy has been a game changer for me. It opened my eyes to so many things that I completely missed. Your painting is so beautiful. I imagine that is therapy in of itself. You have a gift. <3
It's my pleasure to be able to read your work; it touches my soul. I can't thank you enough for being brave enough to share it with us. In my experience, writing it is one beast; sharing it is another entirely. <3
I appreciate your kind words, thank you. :) I'm sure nobody would ever choose abuse, but in a strange way I'm grateful for it. I think it really opened my eyes to what it means to live well & also showed me very plainly who I wanted to become in this life. I think, too, that it's hard to miss what you never had. I never really had a caring father, so it's easier to get by without his presence. Or perhaps that's just another one of the little lies I tell myself to make it sting less. Lol.
I'm beyond excited to hopefully hear more about this novel of yours in the near future! I'm in the extremely early stages of a novel with (loosely) similar themes, so I completely understand what a labor of love that kind of a project can be.
Thank you so much, sunshine! That means the world to me to hear. I think you definitely hit the nail on the head, painting is a huge part of how I scream out all the nastiness that lives inside me. Poetry has also helped me explore a lot of that ick, but I find that my paintings seem to resonate more with people so lately that's where I've been putting a majority of my focus. Can't neglect to mention that therapy was also great therapy, too. ;)
Hi Maggie, I absolutely love these thoughtful questions. Thank you for sharing some of your story with me. I am going to dedicate writing a piece in response to your questions because I feel like there's a depth here that requires me to do some digging into my own mind, my own heart, for the right words. Stay tuned, love. I will have something for you before the end of the month. I appreciate your patience. Thank you for being here. <3
Hiya, I’m back with a question on a completely different topic. I believe I already know the answer to this in my heart, but I think it’s worth getting another’s perspective and hearing it “out loud,” if you will. As an aspiring writer, where the hell do you start?
I have all of these notes in my phone, all of these journals, all of these "books on life and writing." It all feels chaotic. I don't feel like I have the time, but who does? Inspiration comes and goes, like I imagine (and know) it does for everyone. I could go on.
Would love to hear all of your struggles and successes, however far you'd like to expound upon them.
It seems to me like starting is the hardest part, but maybe not. I think it's all hard, and that's the point?
Hi love, I'm answering your question in a two-part pieces that kicks off tomorrow. Stay tuned <3
Hi Jessy. So looking forward to some downtime this weekend to read <3
Here's part two: https://jessyeaston.substack.com/p/how-to-start-writing-part-ii <3
I've just read and responded to part one. You're incredible. Making my way over to this one next.
Thanks for reading, love!
Here’s part one: https://jessyeaston.substack.com/p/how-to-start-writing-part-i
And I’m publishing part two next week.
Hey there! I love your writing and your rings ( I am wearing one of your engagement rings and will never stop admiring it's beauty!). There are a million things I'd love to ask but my first question is when you first got into making jewelry, what were the first tools you acquired? I have ALWAYS wanted to get into casting metals and making rings especially but have no idea where to start. I don't have a lot of money to spare so do you recommend a place to start? Thank you in advance for any advice you're willing to share!
Hi Kathryn,
That's amazing! Thank you so much for supporting my writing and my Rhodes business. I'm so glad to hear that you love your ring. I wish I could answer your questions, but it's my husband Perry who does the actual carving of the rings. I handle all the communication with the couples and the design process, and then take the idea to him to sketch and carve. I can tell you that Perry is self-taught and learned a lot from just his own research and study online. He's a natural artist so it came really easily for him. There is nothing he can't create. It blows me away everyday. In terms of casting metals, I can tell you that we work in the lost wax process so he begins by carving the piece into wax, getting the texture just right, and then he has it casted in whatever metal the client chooses. We had close to no money when we started the business. Perry bought some wax, wax working tools, and got started. I'd watch some videos on the lost wax process, wax carving, and google wax working tools. You can get them pretty affordably to start. This website is a pretty great resource for buying tools: https://www.riogrande.com/
Once you have a piece carved that you're happy with then you can google jewelry casters in your area. At the time, we lived in Los Angeles so we would go to the jewelry district directly and work with casters there. We no longer work with them, but it was a great place for us when we first starting out. Let me know if you have anymore questions. I hope this was helpful to you!
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day and kiddo to answer!!! It's nice to hear that you guys started with nothing and were able to create such magic! Very inspiring! I never thought about having someone else cast the metal! That takes a lot of the cost of buying all the casting tools out of the equation. Of course you have to pay for the casting but it is not as big of an iinitial nvestment!! Thank you!!!
Of course, love! Happy to help!
Oh! And when we first started we only casted in silver because it's much cheaper than working in gold, but now we hardly ever work in silver. It's a great and affordable place to start though! Good luck, love.
As you know, I’m a huge fan of you, the person. You’ve shared quite a bit about your life and I want you to know that I’m in awe of your strength, courage and perseverance. You may not always see that in you, but you’re beyond amazing. My ask of you, is to take a few moments each day to focus on you. I know how hard it is with a baby, but it’s so important that you nourish yourself. In your moments, remind yourself that you are a badass with a huge heart. Also, remind yourself that while you’re struggling that you’re there and present with Perry and the baby. That part is huge.
Of course, I’d love to read more of your story. My hope is that someday in the near future that your book will come out. But until then, I’m patient and grateful for these weekly posts.
Sending love to you and your family.
Aww Roy, thank you for this. It's hard to see the good in yourself, y'know? I appreciate you pointing out the good parts. I feel like every time I sit down to write or read, I'm focusing on me in some way because it's such a vital process to my living. I wish I had more time to do both, but I make the time where I can. It's a lot to do these weekly posts but it's important to me to stay consistent for my subscribers and having people who are waiting on something from me keeps me from putting writing on the backburner. I do wish I could start a larger piece of work, like get back to my book or start a new one, but I can't seem to balance motherhood, substack, and writing a book. Maybe someday when i can find a reliable nanny haha. Unfortunately, I don't see my memoir ever getting published, but that's going to have to be okay. I will just have to start something else. Thank you for following my journey and for supporting me along the way. It truly means the world to me and helps me to keep going when times are hard. xo
In what way(s) has your relationship with Perry changed since the beginning of your pregnancy, throughout the duration of it, and after your sweet babe was born? In terms of connection, sex, interests, "free" time, individuality, working together on raising your baby, anything.
Did you always know you wanted a child? I am at a point where I am 30 and I feel so indifferent, yet scared of either decision. Do I want to put a halt to my carefree and spontaneous life with my husband if we have one? Will I regret not having a little best friend once it's too late? I feel like I would go with either decision if my husband were absolutely sure of one or the other, but the indifference lies within both of us. My parents got a divorce because they had kids - mom wanted them (but admittedly felt pressured into the decision), and dad didn't. It put a mountain in between them, so I will never pressure my husband to lean one way or the other.
You mentioned living on the road, which is, of course, a money question. I have followed your story for years and years now, so I have a good idea of how you got to where you are, but what about now? Did you save enough to be a full time mom (if you are)? To be frank, what are your income sources now that allow you to live a seemingly "free" life?
I hope you can excuse any of these questions seeming assumptive as I only know what I see and read through a screen. In any case, you've always been an inspiration x
Hi again, here’s part 2 of the piece I wrote in response to your question. Thank you so much for reading and subscribing. https://jessyeaston.substack.com/p/the-us-we-used-to-know-part-ii
Thanks, love. I am enthralled to say the least. I'm forming my responses x
Hi love, here’s part 1 of the piece I wrote in response to your first question. https://jessyeaston.substack.com/p/the-us-we-used-to-know-part-i
Thank you for following my story for so many years. It's been quite the trip. In terms of income, I used to do social media marketing for freelance clients and that brought in the bulk of my funds. And then we had the Rhodes business of making engagement rings, but that business was more of a side business because I had so many clients with social media and the Rhodes business was Perry's only form of income. While we lived on the road we actually saved a lot of money because we lived very cheaply. We saved enough for a modest down payment on our house in the mountains and that's where we've called home for the last five years.
Right before I found out I was pregnant I quit all the social media clients so that I'd have more time to grow the Rhodes business while also focusing on my writing. I fully believed that my writing would start bringing in enough money to help us earn a living. I believed that my book would sell and I could spend more time writing because it was actually bringing in money. But that really hasn't been the case. I still spend A LOT of time writing because I need it and this community is important to me. Our income is almost 100% coming from the Rhodes business now which has grown by over 200% since I quit doing social media. It's amazing how things can grow once you dedicate your attention there. I wish I could say the same about my writing career haha.
We still don't make the amount of money to live the life I'd like to give Pressley, but I am grateful that we're able to make our own schedule for the most part. I spend most of the day with Pressley with only a few hours here and there for the business. Perry spends a lot more time in the business because he has to carve the rings in the workshop. I handle the emails and sales and social media which can be mostly done on my phone so I have a lot more freedom when and where I can do the work. The business is not stable in the sense that we never really know how much money we're going to bring in. We never know how many sales we're going to make, and sometimes we have a slow month that make me a bit nervous, but overall we're making it work. It's bringing us what we need and we're grateful.
Once we found out I was pregnant we hustled really hard to increase our savings. We worked around the clock which was really hard to do while pregnant but it gave me the peace of mind that if something were to happen we’d have some money to fall back on. We saved about 6 months worth of extra funds meaning that we could live bare bones for six months (paying our mortgage, bills, groceries, gas, etc.) without working if we had to. We took about six weeks off when the baby was born and then have been back at it ever since. It's a lot to run a business, raise a child, and try to have successful writing career, but that's where we are in our life so we're just going to keep moving forward.
I think the life looks "free" because we work from home haha. It does make a huge difference to be able to make your own hours. So we can take walks together in the middle of the day or take a whole week off to go somewhere, but I am always working. If we go on "vacation" I am still responding to emails, doing posts on Instagram, updating the website, etc. I am always "on" ya know what I mean? I have to make sure we hit a certain quota every month if we want to sustain our lifestyle and actually pay our bills (And we're still paying off hospital bills!). For Perry, he can't carve when we're gone, which then leads to him having to do marathon carving days. It's pretty brutal but it's worth the time off for him.
We don't spend a lot of money in general though. We rarely buy things for ourselves and I am someone who doesn't like "things" so it's easy to save money. Like we don’t own a tv, our appliances are old as hell, and all of our furniture is thrifted or made. Now that we have Pressley I have to hold back on getting him everything I think he'd like, but I'm learning to find the balance. We usually only eat out once or twice a week, we don't drink very often, and we do a lot of stuff outside in nature that doesn't cost anything. It’s just how like we like to live. I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything.
I do wish we made more money but mostly because I want the peace of mind for my son. I want to give him opportunities I never had and I want to travel with him. I miss traveling so much, but with a baby we can’t really rough it like we used to, so that requires a lot more money and a lot more thought. I think we will get there one day. It’s just about prioritizing the right things in the moment and I think we’re doing that.
I can dive deeper into different parts of our life from a financial standpoint, just let me know if you have anymore questions.
Hi Tyler,
Thank you so much for such in-depth questions! The first one brought a greater story to mind. I wrote a piece in response and I will be sharing part 1 this week. I'll add the link here once it goes live. Thank you for asking questions that fueled my creative process.
I believe an essay of sorts lives in the second question as well, but I can give you some answers here. No, I didn't know that I wanted a child. In fact, I actively did NOT want a child. Early on in my relationship with Perry I told him that if he wanted children then we might as well break up because it would never happen with me. But then eight years later my brother had a daughter and I fell in love with her. I watched her grow and learn and become her own little person and it set my heart in a new direction. I wanted a tiny human to watch grow, to love and to care for. I sat with this new want in my heart for about a year and thought deeply about it before telling Perry I'd changed my mind. When I finally told him, he said, "I knew you would." I was 34 when I got pregnant, 35 when I had the baby, and now I'm 36. Time moves fast, and now that I have my son, I can tell you that I wish I'd done it earlier. I wish I started when I was 30. I'm already 36 and am questioning if I want another, but can't imagine doing it now, but I can't imagine waiting much longer either. I don't want to be 40 and pregnant, but I also don't want to rush another when I'm still learning how to be a mother to Pressley. I feel like if I started earlier I wouldn't feel so rushed now, but it's hard to know.
You will most definitely have to put your "carefree" life on hold, but there are still ways to bring in spontaneity. I don't believe in rigid routines with my child. We have a flow and a rhythm to our days that still allows for freedom to enjoy spontaneous action. Having a child has brought life back to my life, if that makes sense. The world has opened up in new and old ways and it is filled with joy and wonder because I'm seeing it all through his eyes.
Now that I have a kid, I know that I would've regretted it if I hadn't done it. But it's such a personal decision. And if you decide to do it, it will be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Motherhood is draining and exhausting and requires a massive amount of sacrifice, but the rewards outweigh everything for me. Knowing everything I know now, I would do it all again.
I will say that if I had to do it alone, though, I most definitely wouldn't do it. It's imperative to have a hands-on partner who can help carry the load. Perry is an excellent father and having that help and dedication makes all the difference so I'd make sure you and your husband are on the same page before committing.
I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I can totally understand that. Perry and I both wanted a kid and the months of my pregnancy were still incredibly challenging, and it drove a gap between us. I go into detail about this in the piece that I'm sending out this week in response to your first question. I think you're on the right track though, to not pressure your husband, to make sure that you both want this before you do it.
There's really know way to just 100% know, ya know? Even though I was inspired by the love I had for my brother's daughter, it was still hard to make the call, to actually take the plunge into motherhood. It was terrifying and I had so many doubts and even regrets when I first pregnant because I was so scared. But it turns out that it was what I needed.
I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope you find something here that speaks to you. If you have follow-up questions, please feel free to comment.
What *was* it like growing up in a meth lab? What was the emotional experience like? Do you remember having confusion about the environment? How did you spend your free time? I guess I'm curious because growing up my dad was alcoholic & emotionally abusive/neglectful, but I never really realized it was "wrong" (super simplified & subjective, I know; bear with me) of him to be treating me/our life that way until I was in my mid 20's. I remember having this fake, idealized version of it all that I lived in within the confines of my mind. I'm curious if your experience was similar, or very different? Also, you've said before that writing saved your life. May I ask what else (if anything) you feel was integral to your version of healing?
Hi love, here’s the piece I wrote to answer your question: https://jessyeaston.substack.com/p/my-grief-is-a-garden
It sounds we had a very similar ways of coping with our situation. We created idealized versions of our fathers and our lives in order to protect ourselves and our relationships. I am so sorry your dad was abusive. It’s one thing to suffer neglect at the hands of an addict but another thing to suffer abuse. I personally cannot speak on that and I imagine a lot more coping has to be done and then as you got older, a lot more healing. Where are you now with everything? Do you have a relationship with your dad?
Let me know if you feel like I answered your question enough. I’m happy to dive in more with you. Just let me know.
I didn’t address your second question in this piece as I feel like it deserves another deep dive. So stay tuned. 🧡
Thank you for being here. Are you on IG? What’s your handle?
Aww, Jessy this piece moved me to tears! 🖤 So well written, and deeply introspective & filled with wisdom and nuggets of hope; as always. Thank you so much for sharing this part of you with us. You answered that part perfectly, and I look forward to eventually hearing about the rest as well!
Things have significantly improved in the last handful of years for me. I don't have a relationship with my dad anymore, and though it pains me to say it I really do think that's for the best. Lots of therapy, a genuinely caring and safe partner, and finding myself in writing and painting was such good medicine for my soul.
It's my divine pleasure to be here! I am on IG, @madd.maggs 🖤
Thank you for reading, love. I am so glad to hear that things have improved for you. The healing is a long road. I'm sorry to hear about your father, but I totally understand. Sometimes loving from a distance is the only way. I'm working on a novel that has that message at the center, but oof, it's a labor of love.
Therapy has been a game changer for me. It opened my eyes to so many things that I completely missed. Your painting is so beautiful. I imagine that is therapy in of itself. You have a gift. <3
I'm adding the link to the piece I wrote to address your other question here just in case anyone else is sifting through these comments and wants to read it: https://jessyeaston.substack.com/p/in-the-place-we-call-now
It's my pleasure to be able to read your work; it touches my soul. I can't thank you enough for being brave enough to share it with us. In my experience, writing it is one beast; sharing it is another entirely. <3
I appreciate your kind words, thank you. :) I'm sure nobody would ever choose abuse, but in a strange way I'm grateful for it. I think it really opened my eyes to what it means to live well & also showed me very plainly who I wanted to become in this life. I think, too, that it's hard to miss what you never had. I never really had a caring father, so it's easier to get by without his presence. Or perhaps that's just another one of the little lies I tell myself to make it sting less. Lol.
I'm beyond excited to hopefully hear more about this novel of yours in the near future! I'm in the extremely early stages of a novel with (loosely) similar themes, so I completely understand what a labor of love that kind of a project can be.
Thank you so much, sunshine! That means the world to me to hear. I think you definitely hit the nail on the head, painting is a huge part of how I scream out all the nastiness that lives inside me. Poetry has also helped me explore a lot of that ick, but I find that my paintings seem to resonate more with people so lately that's where I've been putting a majority of my focus. Can't neglect to mention that therapy was also great therapy, too. ;)
Hi Maggie, I absolutely love these thoughtful questions. Thank you for sharing some of your story with me. I am going to dedicate writing a piece in response to your questions because I feel like there's a depth here that requires me to do some digging into my own mind, my own heart, for the right words. Stay tuned, love. I will have something for you before the end of the month. I appreciate your patience. Thank you for being here. <3