It’s fear. I too love rock ‘n’ roll and consider it my spirit animal. I too have children, and I too grew up with an addict for a father. My biggest fear is that my kids will be like my dad. We know that world. We know we don’t want our kids in it. However, consider that it will be impossible not to share the things you love with your son. Music is a gift from the gods and it offers so much. Those in the music world who had/have substance abuse issues would likely have them whether or not they loved music. Don’t blame the music. You’re being a great mama and bonding with your son. We can only love them with all we are, prioritize their well-being, and guide them on their journeys. It’s the best and scariest thing ever.
Wow, this really hits home. That fear is so real, and I feel it too. We’ve seen what addiction can do, and the thought of our kids walking that same path is terrifying. But you’re so right—music isn’t the problem. It’s a gift, a connection, a language that speaks to something deeper in us. And I don’t want to let fear steal that from me or from him.
All we can do is love them fiercely, show up, and do our best to break the cycles. Thank you for this reminder. It’s the best and scariest thing ever, indeed. Sending love. ❤️
This is beautiful. As a naturally anxious person I struggle with the question of intuition vs fear all of the time with my son. I worry about exposing him to risk and then I worry about not exposing him to enough risk and giving him my anxiety. What I don't worry about is anything that brings us joy and connection. It seems like you have provided him a safe environment to expose him to music that you love and make it something that deepens the connection that you have with him. I can't imagine him revisiting this music without the memories of being loved and I think that makes all the difference.
This resonates so deeply. That constant push and pull between intuition and fear is something I navigate every day as a parent. But what you said about not worrying when it comes to joy and connection—that feels like such a grounding truth. And the way you framed this, that I’ve created a safe space where music and love are intertwined in his memories—I’d never thought about it that way before. It’s such a beautiful perspective, and it has truly soothed my mama heart. Thank you for that.
Mothers and birthers (and dads) who aren’t scared are missing some mark, some where. Folks with backgrounds similar to ours already have a heightened sense of, well, everything. We’re scared! And skeptical! And don’t trust easily! and that just IS. P is doing brilliantly and so are you. Nobody knows the answer, you know? I see the way that my DNA- the anxious, fragile, skeptical kind, has imprinted on my eldest despite her environment and level of nurturing to be vastly different from mine. Just like we know folks that come from seemingly *fine* homes and end up *not very fine.* I guess my question is- how are we actually measuring families that are “fine.” Rhetorical, because for most people it’s how much money do you have, are you being physically abused, do you have food/shelter etc but I think we can all agree that having parents/environments that meet all our basic needs does not equate to “good parenting.” The same can obviously be said for poor folks, fat folks, disabled folks etc
My gut tells me you don’t have anything to worry about with P falling into the pit of despair because of the music he listened to when he was young- besides, it makes for great discourse as they get older (I do this with Moonie all the time!) my gut knows that you love your family wholly and well, and that you’re doing a great job even though folks like us didn’t have a roadmap for how to be good at any of this shit; we had a Do Not Do list a mile long. Loving you xx
Oof, yes. Most of motherhood for me has felt easeful in the sense that I've trusted my intuition and followed the flow, but there’s fear lurking—especially around who he will turn out to be. Will he be an addict? Addiction runs deep in my family, going back generations. What if I didn’t break the cycle? What if it doesn’t end with me? That’s what makes me second-guess my intuition. It’s the DNA that scares the shit out of me. *Please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother*—that’s my plea, my prayer.
She’s sober now, but she had to quite literally die (they brought her back to life—twice) to change her life. I don’t want that for him. I don’t want that suffering and pain for him. And I don’t want it for me.
I agree it’s all about how we measure *fine*. For me, it’s connection. How safe does he feel? How connected? How free? But what if that connection leads me to enable him—something I’ve grown very fucking good at? And there's the fear again.
100% about the discourse! I was just telling Perry this morning how music will give us a way into the more intense topics, along with discussions about the meaning behind the art itself, what it’s trying to say, and why. Honestly, I look forward to those talks. Perry and I talk about art and its messages all day, every day—as much as we possibly can, anyway. What a gift it will be to share that with my son.
And yes, everything I know about life comes from the Do Not Do list. It’s gotten me this far. Thank you, Mom and Dad.
Anyway, I appreciate you commenting with such thought, grace, and encouragement. You’re such a beautiful soul, and I’m so grateful to know you.
I love this reflection! My kids listen to some interesting "in normal society standards" music too! I grew up in a Christian home and one of my saving graces was finding Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Alanis! They gave me the freedom to feel and express myself in a time where I had to be a very "good girl" and suppress a lot of me. I think it's perfect that you share the music you love with him and there is light and dark in all things. Enjoy your rock parties together! x
Thank you, Chrissy. “There is light in dark things” - if I had a life slogan, that would be it! It captures so much of my experience and really sits at the heart of the memoir I’m serializing here on Substack. I think about it often, especially now, watching my son respond to lyrics that aren’t sugar-coated. There’s something powerful in seeing him take in the full spectrum—it feels like permission. Thank you for sharing this. Here’s to raising kids who don’t have to stuff it all down.
Thank you for this. And a big thank you to everyone who has commented too! It’s always so comforting when I hear other mothers sharing similar fears or internal struggles; the reminder that I’m normal and not neurotic or just simply a ‘bad mom’ is so welcome.
My son is 7, and he is obsessed with metal. I’m not complaining - he adores the likes of Sleeptoken, Bring Me the Horizon and Arankai. He has Autism, ADHD and a PDA profile, but he’s also been through many traumatic events, and I can see that the music is an outlet for him. It creates space for process and release- emotionally and somatically.
As an addict and an addiction specialist, I can guarantee you from lived experience and a professional perspective: music will not turn your child into a drug addict, addicted to music, perhaps ;). The possibility exists that he might be exposed or introduced to substances in situations associated with music where factors like peer pressure, curiosity etc come into play, but music doesn’t create addiction.
This is such a beautiful perspective—thank you for sharing it. It really is comforting to know we’re not alone in these worries, and that so many of us are navigating similar fears. I love how you describe music as an outlet for your son, a space for him to process and release. That’s such a powerful thing.
And your insight as both an addict and an addiction specialist is so reassuring. You’re right—music itself isn’t the problem, and I don’t want fear to steal the joy and connection it brings. Thank you for this reminder. Sending love to you and your little metalhead.
Beautiful Boy was the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. After watching it, I question every single choice I make with my kids! In high school and college, I made a lot of questionable choices that I'm sure music had something to do with. Not the music itself perhaps, but definitely the culture surrounding that music. However, I think the real source of those actions was a deep yearning for love and kindred, when I didn't totally feel like I belonged. Maybe we can ensure our kids don't feel that way while also showing them a full range of art!
This is so beautifully said, Ginger. That deep yearning for love and belonging—yes, I feel that so much. I think so many of us made choices from that place, just trying to find our way, to feel held, to feel something. And now, as parents, we carry that awareness with us, hoping to create a space where our kids feel seen and safe while still experiencing the fullness of art, of life. It’s such a delicate balance, and I love the way you’ve framed it here. Thank you for sharing this.
Beautiful Boy was the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. After watching it, I question every single choice I make with my kids! In high school and college, I made a lot of questionable choices that I'm sure music had something to do with. Not the music itself perhaps, but definitely the culture surrounding that music. However, I think the real source of those actions was a deep yearning for love and kindred, when I didn't totally feel like I belonged. Maybe we can ensure our kids don't feel that way while also showing them a full range of art!
Oh my god, Beautiful Boy wrecked me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe through half of it. It hit way too close to home, and like you, it made me question everything about parenting.
I totally get what you’re saying about music—how it wasn’t necessarily the music itself, but the culture, the longing for belonging, for something bigger. That resonates so much. And I think you nailed it—the best thing we can do for our kids is make sure they feel seen, loved, and like they *belong* without having to go searching for it in places that might hurt them.
I love that we get to show them the full spectrum of art and expression while also giving them a foundation strong enough to stand on. That’s the hope, right? Here’s to doing our best and hoping like hell it’s enough.
Thanks for writing this, very good stuff to think about. I struggle with the exact same thoughts. I have a 7 and 5 yr old and I haven't pushed music on them but haven't denied them either ( I wasn't allowed to really listen to rock music as a kid and I did feel like I missed out). It's so interesting how they completely ignore a lot of what I have on, but then out of the blue become obsessed with certain things. My boy LOVES Save You by pearl jam and will listen to just that one song over and over, dancing and thrashing around lol. Also smashing pumpkins. I've felt uneasy and never played Nirvana for them, not really sure why. The hardest part is just how different individuals will be shaped by something in wildly different ways. I pray about it a lot!
I think you're doing an amazing job with your son🖤
It’s wild how kids latch onto certain songs like they’re imprinted on their souls. Save You is such a good one—there’s something about the raw energy of music like that, how it allows them to *feel* in a way that’s so pure and uninhibited. My son just put on a Pearl Jam CD the other day. Then he said, "He has a cool voice."
I totally get the uneasiness around certain bands, though. It’s not always the music itself, but the weight of the stories attached to it, right? The knowing of what happened behind the songs, how certain artists struggled. I’ve felt that with Nirvana and just everything Kurt Cobain went through.
But like you said, music shapes people so differently, and at the end of the day, all we can do is give them love, guidance, and a foundation to stand on.
It’s fear. I too love rock ‘n’ roll and consider it my spirit animal. I too have children, and I too grew up with an addict for a father. My biggest fear is that my kids will be like my dad. We know that world. We know we don’t want our kids in it. However, consider that it will be impossible not to share the things you love with your son. Music is a gift from the gods and it offers so much. Those in the music world who had/have substance abuse issues would likely have them whether or not they loved music. Don’t blame the music. You’re being a great mama and bonding with your son. We can only love them with all we are, prioritize their well-being, and guide them on their journeys. It’s the best and scariest thing ever.
Wow, this really hits home. That fear is so real, and I feel it too. We’ve seen what addiction can do, and the thought of our kids walking that same path is terrifying. But you’re so right—music isn’t the problem. It’s a gift, a connection, a language that speaks to something deeper in us. And I don’t want to let fear steal that from me or from him.
All we can do is love them fiercely, show up, and do our best to break the cycles. Thank you for this reminder. It’s the best and scariest thing ever, indeed. Sending love. ❤️
This is beautiful. As a naturally anxious person I struggle with the question of intuition vs fear all of the time with my son. I worry about exposing him to risk and then I worry about not exposing him to enough risk and giving him my anxiety. What I don't worry about is anything that brings us joy and connection. It seems like you have provided him a safe environment to expose him to music that you love and make it something that deepens the connection that you have with him. I can't imagine him revisiting this music without the memories of being loved and I think that makes all the difference.
This resonates so deeply. That constant push and pull between intuition and fear is something I navigate every day as a parent. But what you said about not worrying when it comes to joy and connection—that feels like such a grounding truth. And the way you framed this, that I’ve created a safe space where music and love are intertwined in his memories—I’d never thought about it that way before. It’s such a beautiful perspective, and it has truly soothed my mama heart. Thank you for that.
Mothers and birthers (and dads) who aren’t scared are missing some mark, some where. Folks with backgrounds similar to ours already have a heightened sense of, well, everything. We’re scared! And skeptical! And don’t trust easily! and that just IS. P is doing brilliantly and so are you. Nobody knows the answer, you know? I see the way that my DNA- the anxious, fragile, skeptical kind, has imprinted on my eldest despite her environment and level of nurturing to be vastly different from mine. Just like we know folks that come from seemingly *fine* homes and end up *not very fine.* I guess my question is- how are we actually measuring families that are “fine.” Rhetorical, because for most people it’s how much money do you have, are you being physically abused, do you have food/shelter etc but I think we can all agree that having parents/environments that meet all our basic needs does not equate to “good parenting.” The same can obviously be said for poor folks, fat folks, disabled folks etc
My gut tells me you don’t have anything to worry about with P falling into the pit of despair because of the music he listened to when he was young- besides, it makes for great discourse as they get older (I do this with Moonie all the time!) my gut knows that you love your family wholly and well, and that you’re doing a great job even though folks like us didn’t have a roadmap for how to be good at any of this shit; we had a Do Not Do list a mile long. Loving you xx
Oof, yes. Most of motherhood for me has felt easeful in the sense that I've trusted my intuition and followed the flow, but there’s fear lurking—especially around who he will turn out to be. Will he be an addict? Addiction runs deep in my family, going back generations. What if I didn’t break the cycle? What if it doesn’t end with me? That’s what makes me second-guess my intuition. It’s the DNA that scares the shit out of me. *Please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother*—that’s my plea, my prayer.
She’s sober now, but she had to quite literally die (they brought her back to life—twice) to change her life. I don’t want that for him. I don’t want that suffering and pain for him. And I don’t want it for me.
I agree it’s all about how we measure *fine*. For me, it’s connection. How safe does he feel? How connected? How free? But what if that connection leads me to enable him—something I’ve grown very fucking good at? And there's the fear again.
100% about the discourse! I was just telling Perry this morning how music will give us a way into the more intense topics, along with discussions about the meaning behind the art itself, what it’s trying to say, and why. Honestly, I look forward to those talks. Perry and I talk about art and its messages all day, every day—as much as we possibly can, anyway. What a gift it will be to share that with my son.
And yes, everything I know about life comes from the Do Not Do list. It’s gotten me this far. Thank you, Mom and Dad.
Anyway, I appreciate you commenting with such thought, grace, and encouragement. You’re such a beautiful soul, and I’m so grateful to know you.
Birds of a feather 🖤
All of the inherited bits scare the fuck out of me as well- also come from multi-generational chaotic drug use (will it actually end with me?)
Let’s keep talking about all of it, everything. It’s so important. And I’m scared alongside you xx
You’re not alone.
Thank you, love. Absolutely. Always here for this.
I love this reflection! My kids listen to some interesting "in normal society standards" music too! I grew up in a Christian home and one of my saving graces was finding Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Alanis! They gave me the freedom to feel and express myself in a time where I had to be a very "good girl" and suppress a lot of me. I think it's perfect that you share the music you love with him and there is light and dark in all things. Enjoy your rock parties together! x
Thank you, Chrissy. “There is light in dark things” - if I had a life slogan, that would be it! It captures so much of my experience and really sits at the heart of the memoir I’m serializing here on Substack. I think about it often, especially now, watching my son respond to lyrics that aren’t sugar-coated. There’s something powerful in seeing him take in the full spectrum—it feels like permission. Thank you for sharing this. Here’s to raising kids who don’t have to stuff it all down.
Thank you for this. And a big thank you to everyone who has commented too! It’s always so comforting when I hear other mothers sharing similar fears or internal struggles; the reminder that I’m normal and not neurotic or just simply a ‘bad mom’ is so welcome.
My son is 7, and he is obsessed with metal. I’m not complaining - he adores the likes of Sleeptoken, Bring Me the Horizon and Arankai. He has Autism, ADHD and a PDA profile, but he’s also been through many traumatic events, and I can see that the music is an outlet for him. It creates space for process and release- emotionally and somatically.
As an addict and an addiction specialist, I can guarantee you from lived experience and a professional perspective: music will not turn your child into a drug addict, addicted to music, perhaps ;). The possibility exists that he might be exposed or introduced to substances in situations associated with music where factors like peer pressure, curiosity etc come into play, but music doesn’t create addiction.
This is such a beautiful perspective—thank you for sharing it. It really is comforting to know we’re not alone in these worries, and that so many of us are navigating similar fears. I love how you describe music as an outlet for your son, a space for him to process and release. That’s such a powerful thing.
And your insight as both an addict and an addiction specialist is so reassuring. You’re right—music itself isn’t the problem, and I don’t want fear to steal the joy and connection it brings. Thank you for this reminder. Sending love to you and your little metalhead.
Beautiful Boy was the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. After watching it, I question every single choice I make with my kids! In high school and college, I made a lot of questionable choices that I'm sure music had something to do with. Not the music itself perhaps, but definitely the culture surrounding that music. However, I think the real source of those actions was a deep yearning for love and kindred, when I didn't totally feel like I belonged. Maybe we can ensure our kids don't feel that way while also showing them a full range of art!
This is so beautifully said, Ginger. That deep yearning for love and belonging—yes, I feel that so much. I think so many of us made choices from that place, just trying to find our way, to feel held, to feel something. And now, as parents, we carry that awareness with us, hoping to create a space where our kids feel seen and safe while still experiencing the fullness of art, of life. It’s such a delicate balance, and I love the way you’ve framed it here. Thank you for sharing this.
Beautiful Boy was the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. After watching it, I question every single choice I make with my kids! In high school and college, I made a lot of questionable choices that I'm sure music had something to do with. Not the music itself perhaps, but definitely the culture surrounding that music. However, I think the real source of those actions was a deep yearning for love and kindred, when I didn't totally feel like I belonged. Maybe we can ensure our kids don't feel that way while also showing them a full range of art!
Oh my god, Beautiful Boy wrecked me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe through half of it. It hit way too close to home, and like you, it made me question everything about parenting.
I totally get what you’re saying about music—how it wasn’t necessarily the music itself, but the culture, the longing for belonging, for something bigger. That resonates so much. And I think you nailed it—the best thing we can do for our kids is make sure they feel seen, loved, and like they *belong* without having to go searching for it in places that might hurt them.
I love that we get to show them the full spectrum of art and expression while also giving them a foundation strong enough to stand on. That’s the hope, right? Here’s to doing our best and hoping like hell it’s enough.
Thanks for writing this, very good stuff to think about. I struggle with the exact same thoughts. I have a 7 and 5 yr old and I haven't pushed music on them but haven't denied them either ( I wasn't allowed to really listen to rock music as a kid and I did feel like I missed out). It's so interesting how they completely ignore a lot of what I have on, but then out of the blue become obsessed with certain things. My boy LOVES Save You by pearl jam and will listen to just that one song over and over, dancing and thrashing around lol. Also smashing pumpkins. I've felt uneasy and never played Nirvana for them, not really sure why. The hardest part is just how different individuals will be shaped by something in wildly different ways. I pray about it a lot!
I think you're doing an amazing job with your son🖤
Thank you, love. Appreciate you. He is my world.
It’s wild how kids latch onto certain songs like they’re imprinted on their souls. Save You is such a good one—there’s something about the raw energy of music like that, how it allows them to *feel* in a way that’s so pure and uninhibited. My son just put on a Pearl Jam CD the other day. Then he said, "He has a cool voice."
I totally get the uneasiness around certain bands, though. It’s not always the music itself, but the weight of the stories attached to it, right? The knowing of what happened behind the songs, how certain artists struggled. I’ve felt that with Nirvana and just everything Kurt Cobain went through.
But like you said, music shapes people so differently, and at the end of the day, all we can do is give them love, guidance, and a foundation to stand on.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for reading, love. And for restacking. Do you have children?
Nope, I’m childfree. 😊