Mothers and birthers (and dads) who aren’t scared are missing some mark, some where. Folks with backgrounds similar to ours already have a heightened sense of, well, everything. We’re scared! And skeptical! And don’t trust easily! and that just IS. P is doing brilliantly and so are you. Nobody knows the answer, you know? I see the way that my DNA- the anxious, fragile, skeptical kind, has imprinted on my eldest despite her environment and level of nurturing to be vastly different from mine. Just like we know folks that come from seemingly *fine* homes and end up *not very fine.* I guess my question is- how are we actually measuring families that are “fine.” Rhetorical, because for most people it’s how much money do you have, are you being physically abused, do you have food/shelter etc but I think we can all agree that having parents/environments that meet all our basic needs does not equate to “good parenting.” The same can obviously be said for poor folks, fat folks, disabled folks etc
My gut tells me you don’t have anything to worry about with P falling into the pit of despair because of the music he listened to when he was young- besides, it makes for great discourse as they get older (I do this with Moonie all the time!) my gut knows that you love your family wholly and well, and that you’re doing a great job even though folks like us didn’t have a roadmap for how to be good at any of this shit; we had a Do Not Do list a mile long. Loving you xx
Oof, yes. Most of motherhood for me has felt easeful in the sense that I've trusted my intuition and followed the flow, but there’s fear lurking—especially around who he will turn out to be. Will he be an addict? Addiction runs deep in my family, going back generations. What if I didn’t break the cycle? What if it doesn’t end with me? That’s what makes me second-guess my intuition. It’s the DNA that scares the shit out of me. *Please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother*—that’s my plea, my prayer.
She’s sober now, but she had to quite literally die (they brought her back to life—twice) to change her life. I don’t want that for him. I don’t want that suffering and pain for him. And I don’t want it for me.
I agree it’s all about how we measure *fine*. For me, it’s connection. How safe does he feel? How connected? How free? But what if that connection leads me to enable him—something I’ve grown very fucking good at? And there's the fear again.
100% about the discourse! I was just telling Perry this morning how music will give us a way into the more intense topics, along with discussions about the meaning behind the art itself, what it’s trying to say, and why. Honestly, I look forward to those talks. Perry and I talk about art and its messages all day, every day—as much as we possibly can, anyway. What a gift it will be to share that with my son.
And yes, everything I know about life comes from the Do Not Do list. It’s gotten me this far. Thank you, Mom and Dad.
Anyway, I appreciate you commenting with such thought, grace, and encouragement. You’re such a beautiful soul, and I’m so grateful to know you.
Thanks for writing this, very good stuff to think about. I struggle with the exact same thoughts. I have a 7 and 5 yr old and I haven't pushed music on them but haven't denied them either ( I wasn't allowed to really listen to rock music as a kid and I did feel like I missed out). It's so interesting how they completely ignore a lot of what I have on, but then out of the blue become obsessed with certain things. My boy LOVES Save You by pearl jam and will listen to just that one song over and over, dancing and thrashing around lol. Also smashing pumpkins. I've felt uneasy and never played Nirvana for them, not really sure why. The hardest part is just how different individuals will be shaped by something in wildly different ways. I pray about it a lot!
I think you're doing an amazing job with your son🖤
Thank you for this.
Thank you for reading, love. And for restacking. Do you have children?
Nope, I’m childfree. 😊
Mothers and birthers (and dads) who aren’t scared are missing some mark, some where. Folks with backgrounds similar to ours already have a heightened sense of, well, everything. We’re scared! And skeptical! And don’t trust easily! and that just IS. P is doing brilliantly and so are you. Nobody knows the answer, you know? I see the way that my DNA- the anxious, fragile, skeptical kind, has imprinted on my eldest despite her environment and level of nurturing to be vastly different from mine. Just like we know folks that come from seemingly *fine* homes and end up *not very fine.* I guess my question is- how are we actually measuring families that are “fine.” Rhetorical, because for most people it’s how much money do you have, are you being physically abused, do you have food/shelter etc but I think we can all agree that having parents/environments that meet all our basic needs does not equate to “good parenting.” The same can obviously be said for poor folks, fat folks, disabled folks etc
My gut tells me you don’t have anything to worry about with P falling into the pit of despair because of the music he listened to when he was young- besides, it makes for great discourse as they get older (I do this with Moonie all the time!) my gut knows that you love your family wholly and well, and that you’re doing a great job even though folks like us didn’t have a roadmap for how to be good at any of this shit; we had a Do Not Do list a mile long. Loving you xx
Oof, yes. Most of motherhood for me has felt easeful in the sense that I've trusted my intuition and followed the flow, but there’s fear lurking—especially around who he will turn out to be. Will he be an addict? Addiction runs deep in my family, going back generations. What if I didn’t break the cycle? What if it doesn’t end with me? That’s what makes me second-guess my intuition. It’s the DNA that scares the shit out of me. *Please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother, please don’t end up like my mother*—that’s my plea, my prayer.
She’s sober now, but she had to quite literally die (they brought her back to life—twice) to change her life. I don’t want that for him. I don’t want that suffering and pain for him. And I don’t want it for me.
I agree it’s all about how we measure *fine*. For me, it’s connection. How safe does he feel? How connected? How free? But what if that connection leads me to enable him—something I’ve grown very fucking good at? And there's the fear again.
100% about the discourse! I was just telling Perry this morning how music will give us a way into the more intense topics, along with discussions about the meaning behind the art itself, what it’s trying to say, and why. Honestly, I look forward to those talks. Perry and I talk about art and its messages all day, every day—as much as we possibly can, anyway. What a gift it will be to share that with my son.
And yes, everything I know about life comes from the Do Not Do list. It’s gotten me this far. Thank you, Mom and Dad.
Anyway, I appreciate you commenting with such thought, grace, and encouragement. You’re such a beautiful soul, and I’m so grateful to know you.
Birds of a feather 🖤
All of the inherited bits scare the fuck out of me as well- also come from multi-generational chaotic drug use (will it actually end with me?)
Let’s keep talking about all of it, everything. It’s so important. And I’m scared alongside you xx
You’re not alone.
Thank you, love. Absolutely. Always here for this.
Thanks for writing this, very good stuff to think about. I struggle with the exact same thoughts. I have a 7 and 5 yr old and I haven't pushed music on them but haven't denied them either ( I wasn't allowed to really listen to rock music as a kid and I did feel like I missed out). It's so interesting how they completely ignore a lot of what I have on, but then out of the blue become obsessed with certain things. My boy LOVES Save You by pearl jam and will listen to just that one song over and over, dancing and thrashing around lol. Also smashing pumpkins. I've felt uneasy and never played Nirvana for them, not really sure why. The hardest part is just how different individuals will be shaped by something in wildly different ways. I pray about it a lot!
I think you're doing an amazing job with your son🖤