The gift I gave myself that changed my life

On Living: It may not be what you think

I was never taught the value of taking care of myself. When I was a kid I lived off chocolate bars, Capri-suns, and naivety. There was no bedtime, no expectations, no standard of living. Besides brushing my teeth, there were no rituals. No washing my face before bed (which I still don’t do), no gratitude lists, no vitamin C.

My adolescence was fast food and chaos. Liters of Mountain Dew, shitty delivery pizza, Oreos by the sleeve-full. Besides walking through the Mojave with my pack of dogs, I hated any form of exercise. They gave me a D in Phys Ed., partly because I wouldn’t participate in any of the group sports (if you think I’m going to run after any kind of ball, think again), but mostly because I’d never change into the mandatory gym clothes. Ew, you want me to wear that? I was a cliché and I was lazy.

When I went to college, things changed. It was as if a better, more true version of myself was released when I left the Mojave. I started eating black bean burgers, drinking nothing but water, and caring about health. I even took a running elective. I mean, an actual class on running. Can you believe that’s a thing? My teenage self would’ve rolled her eyes at my jogging shorts and neat little ponytail. I wasn’t particularly happy, but I was trying to take agency over my life. The thing is, I went too far. What should’ve been a good thing turned into a self-destructive obsession.