This has been my dream (albeit slightly different) -- to meet my partner because he recognized my book and recognized me. To never have to explain what happened to him on some date ("What is your book about?") and wait to see how he responds, but to know that my writer self is already part of the reason he arrives.
I think this has really helped me understand that, actually, my work just can’t seem to get away from being a memoirist mindset… and that’s ok. Every place I write from has this tone you speak of, and I just can’t get away from it and probably shouldn’t. My nervous system is tested by it all but at the same time requires it. Like there’s a little girl inside that needs to have these words hit publish. And that my driver is for her to read them more than anyone else to. For the Truth. So thank you 🫶🏻
Damn, this was so helpful. The moment my nervous system goes haywire while I’m writing, I stop, regulate, move to something less activating and promise myself to come back when I’m not feeling so triggered by my past experiences.
I love that you have a practice for this already and that you know how to pause and care for yourself when things get activating. It's so important.
I just want to add that, to me, the goal of regulation isn't to avoid the feeling. It's not about staying calm so you never have to go there. We actually want to feel things. That's how the body completes the cycle, how it processes and moves the charge through instead of storing it. Avoidance keeps it stuck. Feeling all the way through is what lets it finally release. So regulation is really just a tool that makes the feeling possible. It's what lets you trust that you can go into the heat, into the wound, into the hard thing, and know that you'll be able to come back.
There's a practice in my somatic writing community that I often teach called pendulation, and the idea is that, through the rhythm, you build enough trust with your own nervous system that you can go there and return. It sounds like this is something you're naturally doing. But I'd encourage you not to step away fully every time things start to stir. It might be worth experimenting with staying a little longer than feels comfortable. See what it's like to let yourself feel it, fully, before you regulate back.
If you ever want a community to do this kind of work/writing with, The Inner Room is open. <3
Jessy and Rebecca - I hope you know how much I love and admire you both. This piece holds truths I think many of us keep buried. The act of writing memoir can never be about ourselves exclusively. We don't live in a vacuum - and really, what would be the point of writing about that?
I love this line, "a locked diary has never protected the writer so much as it protects those who have hurt her." This hit somewhere deep inside me today, as I just worked up the courage to share my memoir manuscript with my dad and brother. I feel sick and hopeful - I don't want to hurt them, but I do want them to finally see the whole, messy, hidden, broken, beautiful parts of me. It's so complicated for the heart to wrap around this contradiction, and yet, it's necessary. Thank you for bravely pushing boundaries. Never stop.
Great to see Rebecca here.
This has been my dream (albeit slightly different) -- to meet my partner because he recognized my book and recognized me. To never have to explain what happened to him on some date ("What is your book about?") and wait to see how he responds, but to know that my writer self is already part of the reason he arrives.
Ugh, I love this so much. I want this for you too, love. How kismet and really just so damn freeing - to know that someone just gets it, gets you.
Whew. "Our silence is what makes us lovable. Our loyalty is what makes us safe."
I think this has really helped me understand that, actually, my work just can’t seem to get away from being a memoirist mindset… and that’s ok. Every place I write from has this tone you speak of, and I just can’t get away from it and probably shouldn’t. My nervous system is tested by it all but at the same time requires it. Like there’s a little girl inside that needs to have these words hit publish. And that my driver is for her to read them more than anyone else to. For the Truth. So thank you 🫶🏻
“Almost everything I publish scares me”.
Damn, this was so helpful. The moment my nervous system goes haywire while I’m writing, I stop, regulate, move to something less activating and promise myself to come back when I’m not feeling so triggered by my past experiences.
I love that you have a practice for this already and that you know how to pause and care for yourself when things get activating. It's so important.
I just want to add that, to me, the goal of regulation isn't to avoid the feeling. It's not about staying calm so you never have to go there. We actually want to feel things. That's how the body completes the cycle, how it processes and moves the charge through instead of storing it. Avoidance keeps it stuck. Feeling all the way through is what lets it finally release. So regulation is really just a tool that makes the feeling possible. It's what lets you trust that you can go into the heat, into the wound, into the hard thing, and know that you'll be able to come back.
There's a practice in my somatic writing community that I often teach called pendulation, and the idea is that, through the rhythm, you build enough trust with your own nervous system that you can go there and return. It sounds like this is something you're naturally doing. But I'd encourage you not to step away fully every time things start to stir. It might be worth experimenting with staying a little longer than feels comfortable. See what it's like to let yourself feel it, fully, before you regulate back.
If you ever want a community to do this kind of work/writing with, The Inner Room is open. <3
💕
Thanks for reading, love.
Jessy and Rebecca - I hope you know how much I love and admire you both. This piece holds truths I think many of us keep buried. The act of writing memoir can never be about ourselves exclusively. We don't live in a vacuum - and really, what would be the point of writing about that?
I love this line, "a locked diary has never protected the writer so much as it protects those who have hurt her." This hit somewhere deep inside me today, as I just worked up the courage to share my memoir manuscript with my dad and brother. I feel sick and hopeful - I don't want to hurt them, but I do want them to finally see the whole, messy, hidden, broken, beautiful parts of me. It's so complicated for the heart to wrap around this contradiction, and yet, it's necessary. Thank you for bravely pushing boundaries. Never stop.
Sending you so much love and solidarity, Jo! Thank you for these words and YES! ❤️🫂