Equal parts euphoria and terror

On Motherhood: It’s everything. All at once. All the time.

“How’s motherhood going?”

That’s the question everyone asks.

Emotions come rushing toward me and through me like a comet.

It’s everything.

All at once.

All the time.

“It’s equal parts euphoria and terror.”

That’s the most honest way I know to describe it.

Terror.

I’ve never felt so broken, so depleted, so helpless.

Motherhood has taught me that you truly don’t control a thing.

Sometimes no matter how hard you work or how hard you manifest, things don’t go how you planned.

Terror because I’ve been shaken to my core, stripped of all my tidy little ideologies and beliefs that have kept me feeling somewhat safe and sane these last thirty years.

Terror because I’m raw in every sense of the word. My mind has been shattered, my body has been battered beyond repair, and my soul has been emptied.

Euphoria.

I’ve never felt so high, so in love, so free.

My whole life I’ve wandered, searching for home, searching for purpose.

I’ve found solace in writing. It’s given me some sense of service to the world I inhabit. But purpose? I’m not so sure.

And home. I never found it. Not fully. I crossed state lines from the west to the east and back again more times than I can count on my forever grasping hands. I searched for it in places and in family, in my past and in my dreams. I always ended up empty-handed, like I lacked more than when I started.

Euphoria because I’ve found it.

Home and purpose and freedom — an entire untouched universe all wrapped up in one tiny being. I’ve found the meaning of presence — how doing nothing can lead to everything. How the simplest, mundane moments are the ones that refill my soul.

Euphoria because I’ve never been so awake.

I’ve never been so alive.