My first big manifestation after birth trauma
Restoring trust and co-creating with the Universe—let’s get woo, y’all
I've been manifesting for most of my life. Even before I knew it was called manifesting, twenty years ago, that's what I was doing. I've manifested almost everything I've ever desired—my dream job as a publicist at Atlantic Records, touring the country with my favorite bands, exploring Europe, living in Hawaii, finding my beautiful musician husband, living in my dream beach town in California, my home in the Blue Ridge Mountains, my wildly kind and joyful son, and so much more.
But in 2021, my connection with the Universe was severed when my son was born. I had envisioned and carefully manifested his birth to go a certain way, and not only did it veer off course, but both of us suffered significant birth trauma. The trust I had with the Universe snapped in the hospital as I tried to recover from it all. It felt like an audible, visceral break, like bones snapping, and I was plunged into a profound grief that buried me in a dark void where I couldn’t see a way out in any direction.
It took countless appointments with a wide range of health professionals over the course of a year to heal physically—chiropractic, cranial-sacral therapy, physical therapy, pelvic floor therapy, bodywork, and specialized care from niche practitioners I had never heard of before. At one point, we even consulted a neurosurgeon, which nearly broke me emotionally, but thankfully, he only had good news for us.
On top of working on physical healing for both of us, I needed to mend my mind. I started attending weekly sessions with a therapist specializing in birth trauma. She helped me process the experience, and we’ve since ventured into the minefield of childhood trauma I've buried since before I could speak. Every memory is a bomb. What would you expect from someone raised in a meth lab by parents who not only battled addiction but were in and out of prison throughout most of my childhood? It’s a bomb wrapped in the love I have for them, the love I convinced myself was enough.
Through therapy, I’ve been trying to find my way back to the Universe. I needed to believe it hadn't abandoned me. I needed to feel loved, to feel held, and to trust in something greater than myself.
I needed to trust myself.
As I ventured back into the realm of manifesting, it felt both comforting and familiar, yet also scary—like swimming in the ocean. There's this easeful feeling of floating in blissful sunlight while being cradled by the salt and sea, only to have my peace disrupted by intrusive thoughts of unseen dangers lurking beneath the surface. If I could just focus on the feeling of being held by the Universe, moving with and through it, rather than fixating on the what ifs and what could go wrong, I knew I could find my connection again. But it was something I couldn’t access on my own.
It wasn’t until I rediscovered To Be Magnetic (TBM) that I was able to really feel safe with the Universe again. I used to follow TBM on Instagram, but after the birth trauma, I unfollowed them because every post about manifesting or trusting the universe (or myself) triggered feelings of hopelessness, abandonment, inadequacy, and unworthiness. It was too much all at once.
Then, last December, a friend shared a TBM Expanded podcast episode about money. We had been struggling financially, so I listened immediately. Afterward, I went all-in on manifesting, devouring TBM's guidance, and studying their process like it was the missing piece in my life. I'd never seen the manifesting process laid out so clearly. TBM’s process made it easy to get back into manifesting again. The entryway was clear and safe, and I felt I could trust it. So I wrote out my first list since my son was born.
On December 15 I wrote a list of mini manifestations first—things I could see happening within the next few months.
Here are the items from my list that have since manifested, most within the first month:
Feedback/direction from agent about my memoir: My dream agent had my memoir since September, but I hadn't heard back. After writing down my list, I received a response the very next day. She said it's a challenging time for memoirs and suggested focusing on my novel for now. Not exactly the news I wanted, but it's clear direction.
$10k from Rhodes (our wedding and engagement ring company) or another avenue: This sale commitment came in at $13k just three days later, though the payments trickled in over five months.
Clarity on my next book's core theme and message: I had an aha moment that illuminated the book's essence on January 6.
Being able to show up and guide women at our Lume retreat in a way that is helpful for them: The positive response from our winter Lume event left me beaming with confidence. You can read more about the event here. And I’m hosting another one in August and still have a couple spots left if you want to join us. Learn more here.
Home organization help: I’ve been overwhelmed by the chaotic state of my basement and a friend offered to help on January 14.
Connecting with moms of kids who play well with my son: Pressley has made a few new friends, including one he really loves.
A few things that haven't manifested yet:
Publication in a well-known literary journal: I've been published since I wrote this, but not in a high-profile journal.
A book coach/editor (and funds to pay them): Finding a book coach would be easy, but it's the funding that's currently holding me back.
Direction from the Universe on where to focus for income: My head is buzzing with ideas, but I still lack clarity. Recently, my husband and son went viral on TikTok, which he's been using to promote his music. Is this the direction to pursue? Not my ideal option. Ughhhh, is this it?
Getting an agent (this one was actually on my major manifestation list, but it’s something I’ve been wanting and trying to get for FOUR years. Yikes.)
Not everything manifests as planned, perhaps because some things stemmed from ego instead of my core, or because there wasn't enough clarity. My self-worth might not be strong enough yet, or maybe what I thought was right for me isn't, or the timing simply isn't aligned. Maybe it’s still coming, just not in the time I thought it would. There’s an ebb and flow here. It’s an experience of growth, trust, and understanding as I move toward and into my most authentic self.
Then I wrote a list of major manifestations—big things I wanted to happen within six to nine months.
One of the biggest items on that list was my mom moving out.
I'd been feeling the pressure from my husband about this. Though he had been incredibly patient, bless his heart, I could sense his frustration, the negative energy he'd direct toward her. There was an invisible push. He was right that her living with us had run its course. We needed to focus on our own family, building our life, not hers. I understood and wanted that too, but it didn't change how hard it was for me. I couldn’t see a way out for her or for us, so I gave it to the Universe, which is what I’ve always done when I don’t know what to do. I wrote, “Mom moving out (preferably with Stacy),” not knowing how it would happen but believing it could. That's the magic of manifestation—you don't need to know how things will unfold, just that they will, and then take aligned action in the ways you can.
Stacy is my mom's best friend. They met in prison when I was five, and they've been soulmates ever since. Though they've had other relationships, they always felt they'd end up together, and I sensed it too. When my mom quit meth, so did Stacy. Their bond is beautiful and unshakeable, and I wanted my mom to live it out fully. Making this manifestation happen involved countless moving parts; it wasn't a clean, straight line. There were many tests and hard emotions to move through. It felt within reach several times only for the opportunity to slip away, leaving us back at square one. Even two days before it finally happened, I thought Stacy was heading back to California.
But ultimately, it did come together, just as I'd envisioned.
The biggest test was holding firm boundaries with my mom. It felt excruciating, almost wrong, but thanks to TBM’s clear process, I recognized it for what it was—a test—and I passed. And here we are. Mom is in her new apartment. This is my first major manifestation since the birth trauma, and it's huge. I still can't believe it actually happened. But honestly, I thought I'd feel more grounded, more confident. Instead, the whole experience has left me with emotional whiplash.
When I bought this house in 2017, my main goal was for her to move in because I feared that if she stayed in the Mojave she’d probably end up dead. And well, I was right because in 2019 she overdosed, went into cardiac arrest, and flatlined. When the doctors revived her, she fell into a coma, and they said she'd be brain dead—if she ever woke up. Five days later, she woke up, not brain dead, and she's been off meth ever since. That same year, she finally moved in with us. She was sober, something I'd waited my whole life for.
You can read the full story in Marrow Magazine.
For the first couple of years, things went smoothly. Then it started to wear on me, my husband, and our marriage. Mom’s philosophy on life often clashed with ours, and it became even harder once my son was born. She’s a fun, loving grandparent, and I’m grateful for the bond she shares with my son, but her parenting worldview didn’t align with ours in the slightest.
I felt trapped, knowing how much my husband wanted her to move out, yet unable to find the strength to ask her to leave. It broke my heart to even think about it. With my mom, our roles are reversed: I’m the parent, she’s the child. How could I kick out my own child, especially when she didn’t have the means to care for herself? She needed me, as she always had, and I didn’t know how not to be needed.
Plus, to be fair, she was also helpful. Although she didn’t pay rent, she watched my son for two hours a day, which was a tremendous help since we had no other childcare. She took the trash to the dump, watered the plants, and mostly kept the kitchen clean. I worried about all the extra work my husband and I would have to do with even less time. During those two hours, she watched my son, I would work out, stretch, shower, make lunch, and tackle whatever else needed to be done. Now that she’s moved out, I haven't worked out once, struggling to fit it into my schedule. We’re finding a rhythm with the house chores, but that's about it. We'll see if my plants survive this transition.
It’s been a tough adjustment in terms of time and energy, and it's been the hardest on my son. Or it would be if I weren’t working so hard to fill his life with presence, connection, and exciting experiences. Since Mom moved out, we've barely been home. We've been going to concerts, music classes, record stores (his favorite), gymnastics, café dates, walks, playdates, barbecues, and swimming holes. I'm doing everything I can so my son doesn’t feel the loss of her. Or maybe it’s so I don’t feel the loss of her.
I've learned that when our biggest manifestations come to fruition, we're often left feeling shaken and unsteady. That doesn't mean it was the wrong thing. I know that this is the best path for all of us, especially Mom.
When she first told me she was moving out, I was taking a luxurious hour-long walk around the lake near our house, listening to the TBM Expanded podcast. She called and said, “I found our apartment!” Her voice was bursting with excitement as she described the new appliances, the balcony, and the community. My heart swelled with gratitude, excitement, sadness, and grief all at once. I wondered, had I actually done it? Had I manifested this?
The answer is yes. I absolutely fucking did.
It's a dream to be in a place of trust again, where I can co-create the life I dream of with the Universe and show my son the magic of not only believing in the Universe but believing in myself. But the connection sometimes falters. It's not a one-and-done process; there’s no ultimate arrival. The journey is continuous, ever-unfurling, and I'm here for all of it.
The next big thing I'm calling in is money—financial abundance and freedom. I've never focused on money in this way, and we’ve been struggling financially since the pandemic. Through the TBM process, I can't wait to see time, energy, and alignment fall into place to bring a profound change to our lives. It's already happening. Something big is on the horizon; I can feel it.
Note: I'm not sponsored by TBM. I genuinely believe in their work and want others to feel the magic of it. If you're interested in joining the community, use code JESSY for 15% off your membership. And if you do, connect with me so we can hold each other accountable. I love talking all things manifestation.
Oh, Jessy! 🥹🫶✨
This one really resonates.